Originally published in South Coast Today.
We’re smack dab in the throes of the lazy days of summer. The unrelenting heat and humidity is enough to sap anyone’s energy and motivation. To be frank, I don’t even feel like writing a fitness column this month, and you probably don’t feel like reading one, much less exercising. So why not break with tradition and flirt with laziness.
A few years ago, I tried my hand at blogging. The theme of Tuesdays was laziness. It started out as a legitimate list of complaints, real observations that illustrate laziness. The early examples were inspired by everyday occurrences that really bother me, like people who don’t put their shopping carts in the designated drop-off bins and people who don’t rack their weights at the gym.
Although there is laziness all around us, I soon found myself running out of viable material for my blog. I turned to the laziest of my friends and asked for his help. He wasn’t thrilled to be used as an expert source for such an unflattering topic, and so rather than grill him about his mastery of laziness I merely asked him to walk me through his day.
His daily life was a treasure trove of lazy offerings: He drank from measuring cups when he ran out of clean glasses.
I began stockpiling a list of lazy things and lazy behavior that could be plugged into Tuesday’s standard blog heading: You’re Lazy If…
I used honest-to-goodness pet peeves of mine, I made up some fake ones, and my clientele really got into the spirit of things, providing me with others.
I would receive late-night phone calls from people sharing their epiphanies, armed with their newfound vigilance in recognizing everyday laziness.
A football player announced, “I just got out of the shower and got one for ya, how about 2 in 1 shampoo?”
A hockey player called to tell me, “Instead of closing the vegetable crisper drawer, I just shut the refrigerator door and let it do all the work!”
The best one I ever got was from a swimmer who said she didn’t feel like looking for a misplaced remote so she decided to get up to manually change the TV channel.
The subject of laziness is not always so cut and dried. An eye doctor properly corrected me when I mistakenly assumed that lazy eyes were lazy. As it turns out, that designation is a bit of a misnomer and their work ethic is not lacking.
I also got into a heated argument with a friend who took offence to my claim that buying premade peanut butter and jelly sandwiches was pretty lazy. He said I don’t have kids and wouldn’t understand; it’s a matter of convenience not laziness.
The thing is, most conveniences are predicated on some degree of laziness.
As a tribute to my anonymous lazy friend, without whose inactivity this article could never have been written, I’ll stop here and mail in the rest with a list of recycled blog posts.
YOU’RE LAZY IF …
‒ You drive around for 20 minutes looking for a parking space instead of walking the extra 30 feet.
‒ You use a treadmill for laundry storage.
‒ You have someone else clap to activate your clapper.
‒ You make a grilled cheese in a microwave.
‒ You use a golf cart for a round of mini golf.
‒ You use an elevator for one floor.
‒ You’re on the Celtics and you foul everyone instead of playing real defense in Game 7 (not sure what series this was from).
‒ You say happy anniversary on Facebook instead of buying a card.
‒ You have empty ice-cube trays in your freezer.
‒ You spin the bread bag and tuck it under rather than use the given twist tie.
‒ You use a motor when sailing.
‒ You use an electric air compressor to inflate baby floaties.
‒ You don’t rewind your DVD’s.
‒ You’re not incontinent but wear diapers.
‒ You’re a screenplay writer for the porn industry.
‒ You have unnecessary plastic surgery instead of developing your inner beauty.
‒ You fly to Nantucket instead of taking the ferry.
‒ You have Christmas decorations up in the summer.
‒ You keep your shoes permanently tied.
‒ You submit a list instead of writing an article.
Enjoy the rest of the summer, everyone. We’ll schvitz and lift again in September.